He initiated our meeting.
He initiated the idea of seeing each other again.
He told me that I was beautiful.
He held me.
He caressed me.
He petted my hair affectionately.
He looked at me in that special way.
. . . He stood me up for a date.
. . . He stopped calling me.
I am left to feel like I did something wrong when I know that I did nothing wrong. I can’t help it, though. What did I do to scare him away? I know, I know. Nothing. I was nothing but supportive, generous, and tolerant of the behaviors that he exhibited. I didn't want to believe that he was just using me for some bizarre little game. He showed up later and later for each date. I still welcomed back into my home . . . into my arms. I didn't want to admit that maybe he wasn't with me for the right intentions.
My friends say that he was probably married or seeing someone (else) seriously. He was often late for our dates, and we rarely went anywhere outside of my apartment. He just said all the right things, and he acted the right way while he was with me. He couldn’t possibly be married or seriously involved. Could he? Again, I didn't want to believe that something like that could possibly be true. He wouldn't do that. Would he?
It hurts. Rejection is not a good feeling. More than that, not having closure is just killing me. I have questions. I want answers. I want the truth, no matter what it is. The truth is better than the unknown. I need closure, and he didn’t give it to me. He won't give it to me.
I called him several times. He didn't answer my calls. I left voicemail messages. He didn't reply to them. I pleaded with him to please let me know what was happening and why . . . just wanting the truth. He ignored me.
I am 34 years old. I have a lot to offer a man. I have much to give to a child. I want a family. Perhaps another truth that I must face is that I am not meant to be married. I am not meant to have a child. I am not meant to have a family.
It's a truth that I can't face up to. Not yet.
This has been a collaboration for Random Acts of Journaling
September Topic: Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill
What truths are you ignoring in your own daily life?
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