Every day I have a fifty-minute planning period. Some days I even have that time to plan. Heh. On this particular day, we third-grade teachers decided to plan a few things together. I could feel the tension in the air. One of the teachers got up and shut the door, then sat down and said that we needed to talk. I knew what was coming.
In the past month or so, I had been noticing something very strange going on at work. At the beginning of the year, we had all voiced our opinions on bonding as a team. Apparently there were a few things that happened last year that made them want to really focus on working tightly together as a team. I was all for that because I had come from a team that worked together very well. (Not that we didn’t have issues every now and again.) At a little gathering before school started, in early August, it was suggested that we go out to dinner once a week or every two weeks. We all agreed. However, with the beginning of school upon us, it never actually happened.
Or so I thought. My mentor saw a large group of our team out one night, and the waiter told her that they were there every Thursday night. Now, I am not offended at the thought of some of our team getting together. It’s natural for some people to be drawn to others. I guess I was just a little surprised since we had talked about getting together for dinner.
Awhile after that, I started sensing some kind of change in their behavior toward me. They were never unkind to me. They were never outright rude or offensive. However, I started feeling less accepted and more . . . tolerated. It’s weird. Even when I hear myself say it, I feel like I’m just being very paranoid. I take each incident into consideration. The moments in the hall when I say something and no reply is heard (except from one person). Perhaps they just didn’t hear me? The times that I would be talking to one, having a nice conversation and then another one would join us. All of a sudden, I felt like what I was saying was unimportant; they were just politely waiting for me to shut up so that they could talk with each other. Again, I was just being paranoid, right?
They are all very nice young women. They welcomed me onto the team with open arms. They genuinely seemed to like me. Besides, what’s not to like? Heh! I started to think something was going on, though. It didn’t feel right, and my feelings were getting hurt more and more often. That whole toleration thing kept swinging back and forth, hitting me in the face. It was at this point that I went and talked to my mentor teacher (J—I’m sorry, I can’t think of a clever name for her!) about it. I was oblivious to any problems that she and the rest of the team were having, although I must admit that I was sensing something. She told me that she had noticed some things, too, and that she really hoped that they weren’t excluding me from things because of her. She and I were obviously becoming friends, and she was concerned that because of that, the others might be excluding me because of that.
That’s when it started becoming very complicated. I didn’t think that they would do that on purpose. They mustn’t realize what’s going on. Right? J told me that she was going to bring up her concerns at the next team meeting. She suggested that I bring up mine, too. I wasn’t ready. I don’t feel I really know them well enough to do something like that. Sometimes it’s best, but sometimes I think that it will only make things worse. I intimated that to J. She was going to talk to them anyway. It was, of course, her decision. It was important to her. I knew that I’d be included in some of what she would say. I wasn’t completely comfortable with that, but she had to do what felt best for her.
It took several weeks before J felt it was time, which brings me back to the beginning of today’s entry. Many things were brought up at the meeting. There was something definitely going on that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I didn’t understand everything because I don’t know the history. J kept herself guarded about some things that were going on because she didn’t want me to forge any opinions based on what she had told me. I respect her for that.
Things were said in this meeting that were hurtful to J. I was, of course, brought up—the exclusion from things. She told the other girls that she hoped it wasn’t because of her. I felt uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to back up what she said because I wasn’t ready. I knew that I was letting J down, but . . . I wasn’t ready. Everything about the meeting was uncomfortable. I knew that the girls weren’t going to be immediately receptive to what was being said—egos are easily bruised. J admitted to being at fault in several areas. She hasn’t gone out of her way to be friendly to the girls for a long time, for reasons that are hers and not mine to share. The girls also mentioned that neither J nor I had invited them anywhere either. (We had invited one or two as we were leaving school, a spontaneous decision to catch dinner before heading home but the offers were never accepted for one reason or another.)
It just really came down to miscommunication, I think, on everyone’s parts. Do I still think that I am merely tolerated? At times. Things are not good on the team, though. It’s as stressful as ever. I am hopeful, though, that things will get better. J is feeling better which means her demeanor is better and hopefully more to the liking of the rest of the girls. She got out what she needed to get out, and now she feels better. The others felt like they had to walk on eggshells around her. Her attitude and behavior prompted that. Now? She seems happier, which I think will improve things . . . as long as the others allow it. It will take time for the team to heal, I think, but it will. I’m very hopeful.
The girls did bring up some valid points in the discussion, although some were a bit sarcastically noted. I felt shy inviting them to things, thinking that they wouldn’t necessarily be interested. I mentioned things briefly, but never made it clear that I was actually inviting or suggesting. That’s my fault. I wasn’t clear. I will be now. I really like all the people on my team, and I would feel really awful if we weren’t able to mend fences and tend the garden. (Yes, that’s an analogy that I used during the meeting—we have to tend the garden, pull weeds to make things blossom. Awful, I know! Heh.) I want our team to work. It’s just going to take time. I hope it won’t take too much time because things are just so tense right now. Really tense.
(By the by, there’s so much aftermath that could be mentioned, but I don’t want to dwell.)
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