Anyway, there has been so much going in on my life, yet it seems like the same ol' same ol' things are going on. When I evaluate my life at the moment, I see so many feelings and emotions and activities happening.
I'm exhausted. With school and night classes, I am finding myself a bit emotional... due to being overtired, I think. I'm more sensitive to things that normally wouldn't affect me as greatly as they probably would under different circumstances. I'm finding myself harder and harder to motivate to get done the things that need to get done. I laze around the apartment a little too often during the weekends. I am five weeks behind in my lesson plans. Student work is taking longer and longer to get graded. My apartment hasn't been thoroughly cleaned for quite awhile. (It is fairly clean, just not dusted and vaccuumed, etc.) I'm keeping myself a bit distanced with friends. I am not holding myself completely back, but I am not making myself available online as much, and I'm not calling my friends like I should be.
One of my friends thinks that I'm depressed. I don't know if that is necessarily the case. I admit that some things about my life make me a little bit sad. I am not happy at work. This year I have very nice students, but the administration is making me want to rip my hair out. If I wasn't so over-extended already, I would probably look for a different school to work at next year. There are some major changes happening at my school next year, so I'll keep on keeping on for at least one more year. It could get better. Or, it could get worse. We'll see. :)
I lost a friend this month. That hasn't been easy on me either. She was upset with me for a reason that was a mere misunderstanding, but she made herself the victim, and I just couldn't take that. We both said some very unfriendly words, and for that, I am truly sorry. When I make a friend, I am a genuine friend. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be perfect. I was disconnected from the internet (my cable was having problems) during the middle of a conversation, and a few days later, I saw her online and tried to talk. She was overtly upset, so I said goodnight and logged off. The next time I saw her, she basically called me a liar (my "lame excuse" was not acceptable), and I just couldn't take it. And I didn't. When someone questions my honesty and sincerity, I do not handle that well. I was physically and emotionally tired, but that is no excuse for stepping outside my usual self and quarrelling like I did. I regret deeply the way that things turned out. She is a wonderful person, and I enjoyed having her in my life. We were even planning a summer vacation together. I was really looking forward to it! I'm still going to do it, but I guess I'll be going alone, which is alright, I suppose. Not ideal, but do-able. I sincerely hope that she finds happiness and peace in her life. She deserves it. I really hate that I hurt her.
Night classes are going well. I am doing well. It's a bit scary to think that classes are almost over, and I'll have to be responsible for finding some clients to make this thing actually work for me! I'm looking forward to making some extra money, but it will definitely be an effort. Do I want to work for someone else, or do I want to find my own clients? I would rather find my own clients because it's more flexible than working in a salon or other business. It's all something to think about.
I'm sort of, kind of dating someone right now. He's a good guy. He even brought me a beautiful white rose today... for no reason! How sweet is that? However, because he's a fellow student, we are not letting on that we are "together" in class. Neither of us wants the grief that would come along with it. It's fairly casual right now, meaning that we are in the exploration stage. I wouldn't even call him a boyfriend, and he wouldn't call me a girlfriend. We have dinner every now and again and watch movies. That's about it. It's nice, though, to have someone to lean against or to hold me while we sit on the couch watching movies. It's much better than watching by myself, that's for certain! I don't know if it will really go anywhere, though. So, I get on myself about why I am dating someone that I don't see a future with. I guess it's because you just never know when the love bug might bite. Right?
Life is good. I really am happy, even though there are some things in my life that aren't perfect.
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